My mother has passed away.  I loved her very much but I am so angry with her.  She died of lung cancer at 52 years of age.  She wouldn’t stop smoking and now my children will never know their grandmother.  Please tell people to stop smoking.

A:  I am sorry to hear about your mother.  And, yes, I will add my voice to yours and the others who are begging their loved ones to stop smoking.  I would also like to encourage you to find a support group that can help you through the loss of your mother.  If you don’t know of one, please ask your pastor or priest for a referral.  If you are not a member of a church, most health insurances have mental health options.  If your insurance does, go see a counselor who can direct you to a support group.  Losing a loved one is never easy.  Please don’t try to go it alone.

I have two daughters who are 12 and 15.  They are refusing to attend a family reunion my sisters and I are having for my mother.  My mother is getting older and we wanted her to have a nice family get-together while she is still healthy enough to enjoy it.  So we have invited family members from other states as well as those near here.  The problem is that we have invited my mother’s brother.  He has been in a nursing home for the last couple of years but is well enough to come on outings.  His hands shake so when he eats he frequently gets food on his face and clothing.  My daughters say this ‘grosses them out’.  My mother will be heartbroken if they don’t come.  I’ve tried everything I know to convince them but they won’t listen.  Do you have any suggestions?

A:  You’ve tried reasoning with the girls and they won’t listen.  Now it’s time to tell them a few hard truths about life.  When they were younger, they were the princesses of the family and you let them believe that the world revolved around them.  They are old enough now to realize that not everything is about them!  Other people are important, too.  Your mother – their grandmother – is important.  You – their mother – are important.  And your uncle who ‘grosses them out’ is important.  There will come a day when they, too, will be old and spilling their food and they will not want others to treat them as they are treating him.  It is time for them to start giving back to the family that has given so much to them.  If discussion doesn’t work, then assure them you can remove some of those things that have been given them.  For instance, if they are like many children today, you have provided them with a cell phone.  Assure them that if they don’t show up with a smile on their neatly scrubbed little faces that the phones will no longer be theirs!  If they show up, they can keep the phones but if the smiles falter, it may be a few days before they get them back.  If they don’t have phones, I’m sure they have other treasured items you can use as incentive.  Children your daughter’s ages tend to be rather self-centered.  It’s not always easy for them to see someone else’s point of view.  So a little bit of firm determination on your part may be what needs to happen.  Good luck and stick to your guns! 

I hope you can help me.  My daughter is moving into her own apartment across town.  She is my only child.  We’ve fought through her teen years and argued about nearly everything since she was old enough to decide what clothes she wanted to wear every day.  Everyone says how excited I must be to finally be getting her out of the house.  But I’m not!  I’m so depressed.  For the last 19 years, I have spent the most part of my life thinking about her.  My whole focus has been on how to make her into the best adult possible.  It feels like my whole reason for life is over.  I know I have a job and friends of my own.  I just don’t know if they can ever be enough. 

A:  Parenthood has a tendency to be a series of changes and a series of letting go.  There’s that first day of school and the first time they spend the night at a friends without you.  There’s the first date and the first time they drive off in the car on their own.  You’ve reached that next huge step when she’s walking out the door.  Trust me, though. You are not done parenting her.  You and she both think that she is moving out to live on her own.  But it doesn’t really work that way.  Your adult children never actually move out of your life.  They just move out of the house.  She won’t be back just for family get-togethers on the holidays.  She’ll also be back because she doesn’t like the laundry room in the apartment complex; or, she’ll need to borrow some dishes for a party; or, she’ll run out of money and pretend your house is a grocery story; or, she’ll run out of money and need your help financially.  Whatever the reasons, you’ll need to be there to help her adjust to life as an adult.  You’ll need to be there to help her adjust to every part of the cycle of her life clear up to the time when she becomes a parent herself and needs your advice in how to raise her child.  Parenthood never really ends.  It just changes.  At first, the house is going to seem empty without her.  But after a while, you’ll adjust just as you did when she started off to school.  And –just as you did when she started off to school – you’ll begin to realize that there are some enjoyable aspects to this new phase of parenthood.  So relax.  In time you’ll come to enjoy this next step in your life as a parent. 

I have a wonderful 30-year-old son.  He is a college graduate, living in his own apartment.  He visits his dad and I regularly and is so loving to us.  My concern is that he continues to party like he is still in college.  I know he has gone to work a few times when he is hung over.  I am concerned that he is going to lose his job.  What do you think?

A:  He doesn’t sound to me like he is quite ready to settle down into the adult world.  As his mother, the only thing you can do is suggest to him that he limit his partying to week-ends before he loses his job.  (You don’t mention alcoholism in your family so I’m assuming we’re dealing with an immaturity issue here.)  The trick with dealing with adult children is learning to state your opinion and then walk away.  As someone who loves him, you do need to mention the ditches he’s about to drive into.  But he is an adult.  If he wants to drive into that ditch, you can’t stop him.  Just give your advice and then don’t worry about whether or not he accepts it.  He’ll either learn from what you have to say or learn from the school of hard knocks.  Either way, he is a college graduate, so we know he’ll eventually learn.