I was thinking about that Itsy Bitsy spider.  The one that keeps trying to get to the top of the waterspout.  People say that we could learn a lot from that spider.  Mainly they think we can learn about persistence.    But I’m thinking persistence is a bad thing on the part of that spider.  What’s the point in getting to the top of the spout?  Next time it rains, he’s going to get washed out again.  Rain is inevitable.  It comes.  But then again, he’s made it to the top.  So we should hail him as a success.  Right?  What’s up there, though?  He’s made it to the top.  He can build a nest there.  But is his family secure?  It’s a pretty precarious spot to be.  The rain keeps coming and he and his family are going to get washed down again.  Maybe some of them will be injured or even killed.  Certainly they will all be on a constant roller coaster dependent on the whims of the weather.  I think the persistence of that spider could have been used in the pursuit of a better goal.  Maybe he should have looked first and said ‘do I really want to get to the top of this spout?  Is that really the best location for me?’

I think we can extrapolate that to any number of areas in our lives.   You can start with looking at the home on the top of that hill with the really nice view that can strap you financially for years.  So is it really what you want?  Or that on-again, off-again relationship that you keep trying to make work.  Do you really want that type of relationship to become permanent?  What about that career choice you’ve made?  It gives you a nice six figure income but is it really worth it when you consider that 50 or 60 hours a week are being spent at the office leaving you so little time with your spouse, your children and other loved ones.   

These aren’t all the issues we face in life but I think you can see my point.  Persistence is a good thing usually.  Persistence is necessary when we face difficulties in reaching the goals we’ve set for ourselves.  And setting goals is necessary so that we can succeed – so that we can have the life we’ve always dreamed of.

All I’m saying is, if you’re that itsy bitsy spider on your way to the top, be sure the top is  where you really want to be. 

I am a single mom with 3 kids.  They are 7, 9 and 12.  I work 4 10 hour shifts a week.  It feels like I am constantly running.  The minute I get home I’m throwing dinner on the table then dashing to my sons basketball practice or piano lessons for my other son or dance lessons for my daughter.  When we get done with those there is homework to do and housework that has to be done.  I feel like we are moving so fast as a family that we have completely lost touch.  I don’t feel like I even know my children anymore.   My children are almost teenagers.  If I lose touch with them now, how will I know they are okay when they are teens?  I guess I don’t really have a question.  I was just stressing out.

Dear Stressed Mom,I am glad you’ve written because I believe your concerns are those of every parent whether they are single or not.   Families everywhere are moving so fast that they don’t really spend time just being together.   And when we do spend time together, we tend to group our children together like a bunch of grapes.  Having family times together is important but it is also important to spend time individually with each of your children so that you do have a feel for what they are thinking.  You do need to take time to listen while they tell you about their days at school and with their peers.  Marriage counselors are always encouraging couples to have a date night so that they can keep in touch with one another.  Why not use that same concept with your children?   If you take one child a week out on a ‘date’, you will be able to have some very quality one-on-one time with your children.  I’m sure, as a single parent, that money is tight for you but these ‘dates’ don’t have to be expensive.  They can be something as simple as going to the zoo together, or riding bikes together, or going to garage sales, or seeing a matinee movie.  Just spending a couple of hours with that child doing what that child enjoys will keep you in touch with their lives.   And, I believe, will make a significant difference in how your relationships proceed during those teen years you are worrying about now.   LoveMom

Q:  My daughter is already talking about Prom.  What styles are popular for this year?  I don’t want her to look out of place but, I don’t want her in a strapless top with a skirt up to her waist either.  We are on a budget.  What is a good amount to pay for a prom dress? 

A:   If your daughter is already talking about the prom, she is already thinking of the style of dress she would like to wear.  To be sure that the style of dress she ultimately chooses will be suitable to you, I suggest the two of you start shopping.  Shopping with teenage daughters can be a challenge.  Not shopping with them can cause major family wars.  Before you head for the mall, discuss with your husband the amount you can afford to spend and then let your daughter know what her budget is.  Also, let her know what criteria she needs to use in choosing a dress (ie does it need to have straps, what lengths are unacceptable to you, can she have slits up the sides and, if so, how far up can the slit go, etc).  Once she knows her boundaries, let her pick and choose those she will try out.  They may not be the ones that you would choose but, as long as they are within your boundaries, let her have fun.  Going to the prom is a big event in the life of a teenage girl so being able to choose the dress she wants is important.  If you’ve set the criteria, you can be happy knowing she will choose something you consider appropriate.  And she will be happy because she has chosen the one she thinks is the most beautiful. 

We are on a busy schedule.  Do you have any suggestions for easy, quick meals?

A:  I’m assuming that tuna helper, hamburger helper and other microwaveable meals aren’t quite what you had in mind.  There is a site that lists many recipes both easy and hard that might interest you.  The site is www.shannonsrecipes.com.  If anyone knows of other sites that might help, we’ll be glad to hear from you.

Love

Mom

Q:  I just had my first child a couple of weeks ago.  The family wants to get together so they can all see him.  I don’t want all of those people with their faces, and germs, too close to my son.  I don’t want my son handed over from person to person.  Am I being unreasonable as a new mom?  How do I say no?  I am breast feeding, how do I breast feed my son when I need to in whole room of relatives?  

A:  Dear New Mom:  Parenting is a series of balancing acts.  As I see it, you have -  on one side -the need to protect your child from germs and - on the other side – the need to allow your child to experience the love and acceptance of the extended family.  When your family gets together, it is more than reasonable of you to suggest that anyone with obvious cold or flu symptoms refrain from holding the baby until they are feeling better.  But, for the sake of your son, you need to relax and allow those who are healthy to cuddle and love him.  When you do so, you are allowing a wonderful bonding experience to begin between your son and other members of his family that will continue throughout his life.  The more people he has in his corner as he goes through life, the easier life will be for him.  So relax!  Your family wants to love your son.  Let them. As far as breastfeeding, just have a blanket handy to throw over your shoulder to cover yourself as you nurse.  If you aren’t comfortable with that, just excuse yourself for a few minutes and go into another room with the little one until he is done eating. Love

Mom

Q:  Our grand kids have everything under the sun.  Both their parents and other grand parents shower them with clothing, electronics, and toys.  They have more than they can wear and more than they can play with.  We cannot compete in gift giving.  We have birthday coming up in March.  We don’t want to appear cheap but we do want them to remember us.  Do you have any ideas? 

A:  Dear Grandma:    I once heard a speaker discuss a letter from a child.  The child had been asked why grandmas were important and the child had responded by saying that “grandma’s are the only ones who have time”.  Might I suggest that the things others are purchasing are nowhere near as important as the time you give your grandchild.  You want them to remember you?  On this next birthday, may I suggest three tickets to the zoo – one for your grandchild, one for you and one for Grandpa.  Or maybe three tickets to a movie.  Or maybe even four tickets so they can bring a friend.  The gift of a fun time with Grandma will have far more value than that electronic toy that is just one dead battery away from being useless.

Love

Mom

Q:  My husband and I decided to go on a budget this year.  How do we explain this to the kids?  It is still a struggle when ever we enter a store with them.  They always want something, even in the grocery department.  It hurts every time we try to say no to our kids.  What should we do when they want something and get loud in the store?  So far, we have not been able to keep to the budget.

 A:  Dear Budget Challenged Mom:  Congratulations on taking a truly responsible step for the future of your children.  Now the next important step is teaching your children how important budgeting can be.  Years ago, in a discussion with one of my adult children, I was told how little she and her husband were making.  I was appalled and asked her how on earth they were surviving.  Her response was ‘do you remember those envelopes you taught us to use when we were kids?’  I remembered.  I remembered that I had taught them to budget their allowances by placing money in envelopes that were marked: birthday gifts; candy; movies; etc.  By learning how to budget as a child, she was able to work through some very lean years for herself and her family.  While it is difficult for you now to say ‘no’ to your children, it can have immense value to them in the future.  Children are concrete learners so they must be able to have a concrete example.  I suggest that you have your children separate their allowances so that they have a designated amount for each of their needs.  The next time you enter a grocery store and they want candy, simply have them take it from their candy envelope.  If their envelope is empty, you will need to be firm with them and explain that your grocery envelope doesn’t cover their candy (or whatever it is they are asking for).  Right now, your children just assume you can ‘write a check’ or ‘put it on your charge card’.  They don’t understand how important it is that you begin saving for their college education, or putting money aside for a possible crisis.  So teaching them as you and your husband have decided to do is a wonderful plan.  Stick to your guns!LoveMom

Q: I’ve never bought anything off the internet because I keep hearing the news about people who are taking your money but not giving you what you bought. So many other people are buying things especially from ebay. How can you tell which sellers are not going to rip you off? Carla A: Dear Carla: All the sites that I know of, have a feedback system. Anyone can read what the feedback says. Feedback is information from other buyers who have purchased something from the person doing the selling. This way, you can check on a seller before you buy something. This feedback will tell you if the seller mails the items he sells quickly. It will tell you if the item is as the seller described. If the seller has sold 50 or more items and most of the people who bought from him are happy, you can feel safe in purchasing something from them. Amazon, a site which primarily sells books, also has a guarantee for the buyer. If you don’t receive your book, Amazon will refund your money. This way, you don’t have to worry as much about the feedback system although they do have one. I don’t know if other sites have that feature or not. I am only aware of the one on Amazon. So mostly, if you want to buy, just read the feedback on the seller to be sure you are going to get what you order.
Love
Mom

Q: My sister got an email from someone who said they were ebay telling her that she needed to give them a new password. How do we know if this is legitimate? A: NEVER respond to an email requesting your password. Contact ebay’s customer service department with a copy of the email and ask them if this is a legitimate request from ebay. It probably isn’t. If you give out your password, thieves can steal your credit card numbers and all your personal information. A: NEVER respond to an email requesting your password. Contact ebay’s customer service department with a copy of the email and ask them if this is a legitimate request from ebay. It probably isn’t. If you give out your password, thieves can steal your credit card numbers and all your personal information.

Q: My son was recently home from college on break. While my husband and I were out, he decided to fix his motorcycle in the family room on my brand new carpet. (The game was on!) Anyway, now I need to get motorcycle gunk off my carpet. Do you have any ideas?

A: I’ve never tried to get grease off a carpet. I’m assuming that’s what you mean when you say ‘motorcycle gunk’. I’ve checked online for some suggestions. Since I’ve never used any of these ideas, I strongly recommend that you check with a professional before you try these to be sure you don’t do more harm than good. Here’s what I found.

1) Use waterless hand cleaner, the type that mechanics use. Rub it on the spot and then wipe if up.
2) Resolve carpet cleaner
3) Simple Green cleaner
4) Spray WD 40 on the carpet and them immediately blotch up the stain. Once it is gone, shampoo the area.

Hope these ideas work. If anyone else has a suggestion, feel free to let us know.

Love
Mom