My sister wants to homeschool my nephew. What can we do about this?

A: Go with your sister! Pull out your pom poms and start cheering her on. If you were hoping for a different answer, you’ve come to the wrong person. I am a strong believer in the potential of home-schooling. Anyone capable of home-schooling a child - especially one who marches to the beat of a different drummer - has my admiration and support. A home-schooled child has the advantage of a program specifically designed for them with a teacher in a classroom of one. This individualized program insures that the child will learn without the humiliation of making mistakes that classmates can target. If you are concerned about your nephew’s socialization, let me assure you that home schooling families have banded together in nearly every state to offer extracurricular activities to their children. In my area, home-schoolers have a sports program allowing children to play basketball from ages 9 and up in a competitive arena with other home school groups and with private schools. There is also a band and choir available for students in 5th grade and up. These groups give twice a year concerts. I have heard of individual groups banding together for high school curriculum so that parents not well-versed in math, English, foreign languages, etc., can get together with those who are and trade their expertise. This allows the student to be placed in a small class of 5 or 6 students to learn a subject their parent can’t teach them. This type of training is certainly preferable to the 30 students per teacher in the public schools. (If you are concerned that your sister doesn’t have a teaching degree or any college degree, let me assure you that most home schooling parents don’t have those degrees and yet their children routinely rate higher on standardized tests then do their public school counterparts.)

Finally, if you are worried he will not have the fun of school parties, dances, etc, home-schooling groups again have stepped up to create opportunities for their children. The grade school group in my area meets once a month at a local library where holidays are celebrated. Another group arranges school dances for their students, and almost all groups I know of have graduation ceremonies for the students whose families are in their group.

So are there reasons why I think home-schooling could be a bad idea? Yes. The parent who is teaching their child at home because they feel pressure from others to do so will pass on a negative experience to their child. In this case, they should be encouraged to send their child back to school. There is also the parent who has been watching one to many reality television shows and thinks that home-schooling is the chic thing to do. I’m not too worried about their children. Once that parent realizes the huge workload involved, they’ll return their child to the more traditional setting. The biggest concern I would have about home-schooling, is the parent who is hiding their child from public view for some reason. Those are the children who are at-risk in my opinion. If none of those reasons apply to your family, just sit back and be thankful your sister is a committed parent working for what she believes is in the best interest of her child.

My brother-in-law and his wife just moved back home. Now he wants my husband and I to double date with him with his old high school girlfriend. I like his wife and don’t want to do this but my husband says we have to because he is family. What do you think?

A: I think you should trust your instincts and stay home. Your brother-in-law’s morals are less than sterling. You don’t have to sink to his level. Cheating on your wife is not an acceptable behavior. Your husband is letting the ‘family argument’ cloud his judgment. I think you should remind him of something his mother has told him at least 100 times. “If your brother jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?” It’s a little bit tough sometimes to take a stand but if I were you, I’d just say ‘no’!

My wife can’t stop complaining no matter what I do.  She yells because the garage is a mess.  So I move stuff into the living room so I can organize the garage.  Now she’s yelling because there’s stuff in the living room and I’m watching tv.  Big deal!  I work fulltime.  I’m tired.    I’ll do it later.  She comes in here yelling at me so I told her to ___ off.  Now she’s probably off running up the credit cards.  I think I’m just going to sit here and get drunk.  Serves her right.

A:  Apparently, you feel that getting drunk will annoy your wife as much as her running up the credit cards annoys you.  It seems to me that – if the two of you continue on this path – you’ll be in bankruptcy court very soon.  Then you can argue that it’s her fault because she ran up the credit card bills and she can blame you for spending your entire paycheck on alcohol.  If you like that option, just keep on moving as you’re doing now.    If you’d like to have a happier ending, I suggest you learn how to communicate with one another.  Communication requires more than just the ability to use words.  Any two-year-old can do that.  Since you’re the one writing, I’m going to make some suggestions for you.  First, it’s important that you let your wife know that you see her point of view.  Second, you need to be able to calmly let her know where you are coming from.  And, finally you need to suggest a solution to the problem that will be agreeable to both of you.  (Another little hint:  When communicating with your wife, SHUT THE TELEVISION OFF.  There is nothing on that television that won’t show up as a rerun someday.  And there is nothing on tv as important as your marriage.)  So contact your wife and tell her something like this: “Honey,  I know you are upset about the mess in the living room.  I appreciate the fact that you want to give us a nice looking home.  Right now I am tired from working all day and need to relax for a little while.  I promise I will get this job done.  Will it work for you if I  spend ½ hour a day on the garage during the work week and three to four hours  a day on the week-end until the job is done? “   If this isn’t a compromise you like, then find one.   And be prepared for her to come up with her own compromise.  If she does, try to keep calm.  Just remember your three steps in communication and keep talking until you find the solution. 

Do you want to know why ‘Johnnie can’t read’?  I’ll tell you.  It’s because their parents are keeping them so busy going to dance lessons, sports practice, piano lessons, play dates, karate classes, church activities, after-school events, shopping, birthday parties….  Need I say more?  The kids never have time to discover that sitting down and reading a book can be fun.

A:  I agree that many children today are on a very frantic schedule.  Parents have been encouraged regularly to give their child activities that they can enjoy.  And children do need something that they can do that sets them apart from others.  It gives them a sense of accomplishment and improves their self-esteem.  Unfortunately, things can escalate to the point you describe where the child becomes a jack-of-all-trades and a master-of-none.  They’re moving so frantically, that they never have time to stop and think what they do enjoy.   I would suggest that all families have a daily relaxation time.  It would be good for both the parents and the children.     It’s a wonderful stress reliever for the parents and it will give the children time to find what they enjoy.  Like reading a good book.

I hope you can help me.  My daughter is moving into her own apartment across town.  She is my only child.  We’ve fought through her teen years and argued about nearly everything since she was old enough to decide what clothes she wanted to wear every day.  Everyone says how excited I must be to finally be getting her out of the house.  But I’m not!  I’m so depressed.  For the last 19 years, I have spent the most part of my life thinking about her.  My whole focus has been on how to make her into the best adult possible.  It feels like my whole reason for life is over.  I know I have a job and friends of my own.  I just don’t know if they can ever be enough. 

A:  Parenthood has a tendency to be a series of changes and a series of letting go.  There’s that first day of school and the first time they spend the night at a friends without you.  There’s the first date and the first time they drive off in the car on their own.  You’ve reached that next huge step when she’s walking out the door.  Trust me, though. You are not done parenting her.  You and she both think that she is moving out to live on her own.  But it doesn’t really work that way.  Your adult children never actually move out of your life.  They just move out of the house.  She won’t be back just for family get-togethers on the holidays.  She’ll also be back because she doesn’t like the laundry room in the apartment complex; or, she’ll need to borrow some dishes for a party; or, she’ll run out of money and pretend your house is a grocery story; or, she’ll run out of money and need your help financially.  Whatever the reasons, you’ll need to be there to help her adjust to life as an adult.  You’ll need to be there to help her adjust to every part of the cycle of her life clear up to the time when she becomes a parent herself and needs your advice in how to raise her child.  Parenthood never really ends.  It just changes.  At first, the house is going to seem empty without her.  But after a while, you’ll adjust just as you did when she started off to school.  And –just as you did when she started off to school – you’ll begin to realize that there are some enjoyable aspects to this new phase of parenthood.  So relax.  In time you’ll come to enjoy this next step in your life as a parent. 

I have a wonderful 30-year-old son.  He is a college graduate, living in his own apartment.  He visits his dad and I regularly and is so loving to us.  My concern is that he continues to party like he is still in college.  I know he has gone to work a few times when he is hung over.  I am concerned that he is going to lose his job.  What do you think?

A:  He doesn’t sound to me like he is quite ready to settle down into the adult world.  As his mother, the only thing you can do is suggest to him that he limit his partying to week-ends before he loses his job.  (You don’t mention alcoholism in your family so I’m assuming we’re dealing with an immaturity issue here.)  The trick with dealing with adult children is learning to state your opinion and then walk away.  As someone who loves him, you do need to mention the ditches he’s about to drive into.  But he is an adult.  If he wants to drive into that ditch, you can’t stop him.  Just give your advice and then don’t worry about whether or not he accepts it.  He’ll either learn from what you have to say or learn from the school of hard knocks.  Either way, he is a college graduate, so we know he’ll eventually learn.

(This email has been modified.  It was sent in the text message style which is a little difficult for us grandma’s to read.  I imagine it can be for others also.  I believe I got the gist of it right.  Also, please remember when emailing, this is a family site.  Profanity will be deleted.  If there is too much profanity, I may delete the entire email.  Mom)

Q:        My parents are being completely unreasonable.  They say I am too young to date a 16 year old.  I am 13 and everyone says I am mature for my age.  He and I were having a great time together until they found out.  I figure you’re a mom and they might listen to you if you tell them they are being unreasonable.  Can you send me an email for them?

A:            Actually, I think you are the one being unreasonable.  Dating at 13 is way too young in my opinion.  When you are just entering adolescence, your body is changing and hormones are causing you to have major mood swings.  You need to give yourself time to adjust to these changes before you start complicating things with emotional attachments to boys.  Also, it sounds to me like you knew your parents wouldn’t approve.  You said they ‘found out’.  Were you sneaking around behind their backs?  Another thing.  Sixteen is too old for a 13-year-old.  I suggest you and your parents sit down together and set up a list of rules for dating.  That would be the mature thing for you to do.  The more you are responsible and follow the rules they set down, the more they will give you space to make your own choices. 

My mother-in-law is coming to visit.  I have a very stressful job and really don’t feel up to company.  Especially her.  The last time she was here she re-arranged my cupboards.  She said they weren’t efficient!  I agree they are faster and easier to get to now but it took me almost all year to be able to find things.  My husband is thrilled she’s coming so no excuse I can think of will keep her away.  Do you have any ideas?

A:  I think the real reason you don’t want to see your mother-in-law is that she makes you feel like a child.  Telling you how to arrange your cupboards must seem just like your mother telling you how to clean your room.  You’re an adult now and interactions such as these can be frustrating.  The best way to keep your mother-in-law from mothering you is to keep her busy doing other things.  Does she like to shop?  Are there nearby local attractions such as aquariums, waterfront areas, specialized shopping?  Are there interesting places to take her to dinner (and keep her from doing your dishes!).  Get creative.  I’m sure there are dozens of things to keep her busy and out of your cupboards.

My uncle is coming to my parents on Easter for dinner.  The whole family is getting together.  I told my parents if my uncle came, I wouldn’t.  It’s causing a big scene.  I don’t know why the rest of the family even invites my uncle to anything.  He causes trouble for everybody.  Last year when I moved into my own apartment, he told my parents he saw me with a married man.  He didn’t bother to tell them I was also with the married man’s wife and kids at the zoo.  I don’t want my parents mad at me but since he does this to everybody, I don’t see why they keep inviting him. 

Dear Furious:

Nearly everyone has family members that they would prefer to avoid.  That is why there are famous old sayings like:  ‘You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.’  I don’t know if you’re young enough to have enjoyed the movie ‘The Lion King’.  In that movie, the Lion King is talking to his brother. When he is finished, the parrot tells him ‘There’s one in every family.  Two in mine, in fact.’  The rest of your family has just come to accept that your uncle is the one in your family.  You’re old enough to live on your own now so it’s time you begin showing some maturity.  Obviously, your family isn’t going to exclude your uncle from gatherings.   If you choose to refuse to attend family functions where he is invited, you will be missing some potentially good times with the people you love.  And you will be hurting others who love you.  Why do that?  You don’t necessarily have to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him at the family gathering.  You don’t even have to sit next to him at the table.  Spend time with the rest of the family.  Visit with them.  If there is more than one table at the gathering, just sit at the opposite table.  Enjoy the others in the family and spend as little time with your uncle as you can without creating a scene. 

Q: I hate my brother. He is 2 and he get in my stuff all the time. Mom says he will outgrow it. But he’s breaking all my stuff. I want to put a lock on my door but mom says it’s not safe. How can I convince her?

A: If your mother thinks the lock is not safe, how about putting a child guard doorknob? Your mother probably has some around the house to keep your brother from going outside when she’s not looking. If you put one on your door, you can figure out how to use it. He’s too little to open the door with the guard. Your things are then safe from him. LoveMom