My 13-year-old daughter is a very responsible, reliable teenager but she had an out-of-state phone number on her cell phone bill.  I got worried and called the number to check it out.  It turned out to be nothing but now my daughter is furious with me for checking on her.  She says I have proven I don’t trust her.  How can I repair the damage to our relationship?

A:  Trust your instincts.  You did the right thing.  Regardless of how wonderful your 13-year-old is, there are several things you can be sure of.  At 13, your daughter is probably naive and/or gullible, she believes she is far more mature than she is and, she is quite self-centered.  All of this makes her extremely vulnerable to internet predators.  The new Facebooks on cell phones have also increased the odds that your child will have an encounter with a less-than-desirable individual.  Checking a questionable phone number does not show a lack of trust.  It shows admirable parental protection.  Your daughter is going to need your protection for several years yet.  She’s probably going to object to many things you require of her and that you ask her.  (Who are you going to the party with?  Will there be adults present?  What time will you be home?, etc).  But keep on asking anyway.  That’s what responsible parents do to guide their children safely into adulthood.  As for repairing your relationship - all you can do is let her know it had nothing to do with a lack of trust and everything to do with your love for her and concern for her welfare.  It may be a few years before she truly understands what you’re saying but, when she does, she’ll be thankful for the wonderful parenting she received.

I have two daughters who are 12 and 15.  They are refusing to attend a family reunion my sisters and I are having for my mother.  My mother is getting older and we wanted her to have a nice family get-together while she is still healthy enough to enjoy it.  So we have invited family members from other states as well as those near here.  The problem is that we have invited my mother’s brother.  He has been in a nursing home for the last couple of years but is well enough to come on outings.  His hands shake so when he eats he frequently gets food on his face and clothing.  My daughters say this ‘grosses them out’.  My mother will be heartbroken if they don’t come.  I’ve tried everything I know to convince them but they won’t listen.  Do you have any suggestions?

A:  You’ve tried reasoning with the girls and they won’t listen.  Now it’s time to tell them a few hard truths about life.  When they were younger, they were the princesses of the family and you let them believe that the world revolved around them.  They are old enough now to realize that not everything is about them!  Other people are important, too.  Your mother – their grandmother – is important.  You – their mother – are important.  And your uncle who ‘grosses them out’ is important.  There will come a day when they, too, will be old and spilling their food and they will not want others to treat them as they are treating him.  It is time for them to start giving back to the family that has given so much to them.  If discussion doesn’t work, then assure them you can remove some of those things that have been given them.  For instance, if they are like many children today, you have provided them with a cell phone.  Assure them that if they don’t show up with a smile on their neatly scrubbed little faces that the phones will no longer be theirs!  If they show up, they can keep the phones but if the smiles falter, it may be a few days before they get them back.  If they don’t have phones, I’m sure they have other treasured items you can use as incentive.  Children your daughter’s ages tend to be rather self-centered.  It’s not always easy for them to see someone else’s point of view.  So a little bit of firm determination on your part may be what needs to happen.  Good luck and stick to your guns! 

Q:  My daughter is already talking about Prom.  What styles are popular for this year?  I don’t want her to look out of place but, I don’t want her in a strapless top with a skirt up to her waist either.  We are on a budget.  What is a good amount to pay for a prom dress? 

A:   If your daughter is already talking about the prom, she is already thinking of the style of dress she would like to wear.  To be sure that the style of dress she ultimately chooses will be suitable to you, I suggest the two of you start shopping.  Shopping with teenage daughters can be a challenge.  Not shopping with them can cause major family wars.  Before you head for the mall, discuss with your husband the amount you can afford to spend and then let your daughter know what her budget is.  Also, let her know what criteria she needs to use in choosing a dress (ie does it need to have straps, what lengths are unacceptable to you, can she have slits up the sides and, if so, how far up can the slit go, etc).  Once she knows her boundaries, let her pick and choose those she will try out.  They may not be the ones that you would choose but, as long as they are within your boundaries, let her have fun.  Going to the prom is a big event in the life of a teenage girl so being able to choose the dress she wants is important.  If you’ve set the criteria, you can be happy knowing she will choose something you consider appropriate.  And she will be happy because she has chosen the one she thinks is the most beautiful. 

Hi I’m alaskamama
I need some advice on dealing with a lovely teenage daughter who is
moody and hides in her room for most of the time she is out of
school…at wits end on what to do to please her

Dear Alaska:

Did you ever watch the movie ‘City Slickers’? There is a line in that movie that is one of the most profound I have ever seen come from Hollywood. One of the characters is discussing his teenage years and he says ‘even when my dad and I couldn’t talk about anything else, we could always talk about baseball’. It is imperative that you find a line of communication between you and your daughter. Moodiness in teenagers can signal a number of serious problems including depression and drug use. Even though you see your daughter as ‘lovely’, she may see herself as ugly or stupid. Try to find your daughter’s equivalent of ‘baseball’ and show a real interest. If you can get her to open up, you then have a chance at finding what is truly bothering her. And don’t hesitate to seek professional help. It’s far better to be safe than sorry.

Love
Mom