My daughter’s cat got run over by a car while she was at school.  I told her the cat ran away and we’d find her.  I was going to get a cat that looked just like it.  My boyfriend says I’m nuts.  What do you think?

A:  I can see several problems with the cat exchange.  The first, and most obvious, is that all animals – like people – have a personality.  It will be fairly obvious to your daughter that there is a difference if she is used to holding the cat and the cat you find decides to scratch her or vice versa.  Also, there is the trust issue between you and your daughter.  Should she discover the ruse, it will cause her to have difficulty trusting you in the future with important issues.  The final issue is an emotional one.  It is important that each child learn about death.  It is difficult to work through the loss of a loved one – even of a pet.  Ideally, that can be learned with the love and support of a parent.  You have the opportunity to help your child through this first difficult loss.  I suggest you let her know of the death of her cat.

Do you want to know why ‘Johnnie can’t read’?  I’ll tell you.  It’s because their parents are keeping them so busy going to dance lessons, sports practice, piano lessons, play dates, karate classes, church activities, after-school events, shopping, birthday parties….  Need I say more?  The kids never have time to discover that sitting down and reading a book can be fun.

A:  I agree that many children today are on a very frantic schedule.  Parents have been encouraged regularly to give their child activities that they can enjoy.  And children do need something that they can do that sets them apart from others.  It gives them a sense of accomplishment and improves their self-esteem.  Unfortunately, things can escalate to the point you describe where the child becomes a jack-of-all-trades and a master-of-none.  They’re moving so frantically, that they never have time to stop and think what they do enjoy.   I would suggest that all families have a daily relaxation time.  It would be good for both the parents and the children.     It’s a wonderful stress reliever for the parents and it will give the children time to find what they enjoy.  Like reading a good book.

I am so sick of everyone telling me to stop smoking!  I’ve tried.  I’ve been smoking two packs a day for at least a year.  Even if I didn’t crave the nicotine, it’s just too much of a habit for me to break.  I tried a program my company paid for.  I managed a whole week while I was at work.  But on the weekend, while I was home alone, I just kept grabbing cigarettes without even thinking.  I tried to stop myself but by the time the weekend was over, I had smoked a whole pack.  So maybe you should start telling people to mind their own business!  We smokers know it’s not good for us.  We just can’t do anything about it.

A:  People who care about you are always going to be encouraging you to live a healthier life.  After all, they love you and want you around for a while.  And you can do something about it!  You are seeing yourself as a failure when, in fact, you were improving.  You tell me you smoked two packs a day for almost a year.  All week, you smoked nothing.  And then, on the weekend, when you did smoke, you only smoked one pack.  That’s three packs better than you had been doing before you started the program.  Everything you do in life takes practice to get it right.  Those Olympic swimmers didn’t just jump in the water and start swimming.  It took practice to get it right.  They were slow at first but they kept on pushing.  You do the same thing with that smoking habit.  Just keep on practicing until you get it right. 

I am a sophomore in college this year. I have been staying with my father this summer. I have mostly lived with him as I have been growing up. He has had a lot of different girlfriends, some who have lived with us, and two that I have close relationships with. I am getting married and want to invite some of my father’s old girlfriends to the wedding. His new girlfriend, who is almost my age, is really upset. My father hasn’t said  much. Do you think I should?

 A:  I think that this is your wedding and the people that have been close to you should be invited to help you celebrate this occasion.  If your father objected to his old girlfriends attending you might want to give it further thought.  After all, your parents are the ones who have always had your best interests at heart.  They are also the ones who have been with you all your life and will continue to do so as long as they live.  Since he doesn’t seem to be objecting, I would say go ahead with your plans to invite whomever you choose. 

My mother has passed away.  I loved her very much but I am so angry with her.  She died of lung cancer at 52 years of age.  She wouldn’t stop smoking and now my children will never know their grandmother.  Please tell people to stop smoking.

A:  I am sorry to hear about your mother.  And, yes, I will add my voice to yours and the others who are begging their loved ones to stop smoking.  I would also like to encourage you to find a support group that can help you through the loss of your mother.  If you don’t know of one, please ask your pastor or priest for a referral.  If you are not a member of a church, most health insurances have mental health options.  If your insurance does, go see a counselor who can direct you to a support group.  Losing a loved one is never easy.  Please don’t try to go it alone.

I have two daughters who are 12 and 15.  They are refusing to attend a family reunion my sisters and I are having for my mother.  My mother is getting older and we wanted her to have a nice family get-together while she is still healthy enough to enjoy it.  So we have invited family members from other states as well as those near here.  The problem is that we have invited my mother’s brother.  He has been in a nursing home for the last couple of years but is well enough to come on outings.  His hands shake so when he eats he frequently gets food on his face and clothing.  My daughters say this ‘grosses them out’.  My mother will be heartbroken if they don’t come.  I’ve tried everything I know to convince them but they won’t listen.  Do you have any suggestions?

A:  You’ve tried reasoning with the girls and they won’t listen.  Now it’s time to tell them a few hard truths about life.  When they were younger, they were the princesses of the family and you let them believe that the world revolved around them.  They are old enough now to realize that not everything is about them!  Other people are important, too.  Your mother – their grandmother – is important.  You – their mother – are important.  And your uncle who ‘grosses them out’ is important.  There will come a day when they, too, will be old and spilling their food and they will not want others to treat them as they are treating him.  It is time for them to start giving back to the family that has given so much to them.  If discussion doesn’t work, then assure them you can remove some of those things that have been given them.  For instance, if they are like many children today, you have provided them with a cell phone.  Assure them that if they don’t show up with a smile on their neatly scrubbed little faces that the phones will no longer be theirs!  If they show up, they can keep the phones but if the smiles falter, it may be a few days before they get them back.  If they don’t have phones, I’m sure they have other treasured items you can use as incentive.  Children your daughter’s ages tend to be rather self-centered.  It’s not always easy for them to see someone else’s point of view.  So a little bit of firm determination on your part may be what needs to happen.  Good luck and stick to your guns! 

I hope you can help me.  My daughter is moving into her own apartment across town.  She is my only child.  We’ve fought through her teen years and argued about nearly everything since she was old enough to decide what clothes she wanted to wear every day.  Everyone says how excited I must be to finally be getting her out of the house.  But I’m not!  I’m so depressed.  For the last 19 years, I have spent the most part of my life thinking about her.  My whole focus has been on how to make her into the best adult possible.  It feels like my whole reason for life is over.  I know I have a job and friends of my own.  I just don’t know if they can ever be enough. 

A:  Parenthood has a tendency to be a series of changes and a series of letting go.  There’s that first day of school and the first time they spend the night at a friends without you.  There’s the first date and the first time they drive off in the car on their own.  You’ve reached that next huge step when she’s walking out the door.  Trust me, though. You are not done parenting her.  You and she both think that she is moving out to live on her own.  But it doesn’t really work that way.  Your adult children never actually move out of your life.  They just move out of the house.  She won’t be back just for family get-togethers on the holidays.  She’ll also be back because she doesn’t like the laundry room in the apartment complex; or, she’ll need to borrow some dishes for a party; or, she’ll run out of money and pretend your house is a grocery story; or, she’ll run out of money and need your help financially.  Whatever the reasons, you’ll need to be there to help her adjust to life as an adult.  You’ll need to be there to help her adjust to every part of the cycle of her life clear up to the time when she becomes a parent herself and needs your advice in how to raise her child.  Parenthood never really ends.  It just changes.  At first, the house is going to seem empty without her.  But after a while, you’ll adjust just as you did when she started off to school.  And –just as you did when she started off to school – you’ll begin to realize that there are some enjoyable aspects to this new phase of parenthood.  So relax.  In time you’ll come to enjoy this next step in your life as a parent. 

I have a wonderful 30-year-old son.  He is a college graduate, living in his own apartment.  He visits his dad and I regularly and is so loving to us.  My concern is that he continues to party like he is still in college.  I know he has gone to work a few times when he is hung over.  I am concerned that he is going to lose his job.  What do you think?

A:  He doesn’t sound to me like he is quite ready to settle down into the adult world.  As his mother, the only thing you can do is suggest to him that he limit his partying to week-ends before he loses his job.  (You don’t mention alcoholism in your family so I’m assuming we’re dealing with an immaturity issue here.)  The trick with dealing with adult children is learning to state your opinion and then walk away.  As someone who loves him, you do need to mention the ditches he’s about to drive into.  But he is an adult.  If he wants to drive into that ditch, you can’t stop him.  Just give your advice and then don’t worry about whether or not he accepts it.  He’ll either learn from what you have to say or learn from the school of hard knocks.  Either way, he is a college graduate, so we know he’ll eventually learn.

For Easter dinner, our whole family got together at my mother’s house.  She is getting up in years and likes to have the family together for holidays.  While I was cleaning up, I dropped one of her ‘good’ china plates and broke it.  These so-called china plates are actually plates she bought from Kmart when my brothers and I were younger.  But they are her ‘good’ dishes and she pulls them out every holiday.  She’s all upset because she no longer has a service for twelve which she needs when we all get together.  Kmart no longer sells this particular set.  I can’t find any reference to them on the internet.  Do you have any suggestions on how to replace a random plate?

A:         My first suggestion is to just get her a different set of plates.  Since she isn’t asking for actual china plates, it can’t be too expensive to find her another set of ‘good’ dishes.  However, if she’s getting up in years, she may have a sentimental attachment to these dishes.  So there are several possible places to look for a replacement.  There is the ever-popular garage sale and flea market option.  Also, thrift stores are a good place to look for miscellaneous pieces to match your dishes.  Another possibility is craigslist.  If you haven’t heard of it, it is a nationwide internet list that allows free for-sale ads and wanted ads.  Just type in ‘craigslist’ in your search engine and the name of your town for your local ads.  You can take a picture of the other plates in your mom’s set and put in a wanted ad.  There is no cost and you can continuously update it until you find what you want.  You can also check their ads to see if anyone already has a set like this they are trying to sell.  I have used this site myself many times and find it to be very helpful.

(This email has been modified.  It was sent in the text message style which is a little difficult for us grandma’s to read.  I imagine it can be for others also.  I believe I got the gist of it right.  Also, please remember when emailing, this is a family site.  Profanity will be deleted.  If there is too much profanity, I may delete the entire email.  Mom)

Q:        My parents are being completely unreasonable.  They say I am too young to date a 16 year old.  I am 13 and everyone says I am mature for my age.  He and I were having a great time together until they found out.  I figure you’re a mom and they might listen to you if you tell them they are being unreasonable.  Can you send me an email for them?

A:            Actually, I think you are the one being unreasonable.  Dating at 13 is way too young in my opinion.  When you are just entering adolescence, your body is changing and hormones are causing you to have major mood swings.  You need to give yourself time to adjust to these changes before you start complicating things with emotional attachments to boys.  Also, it sounds to me like you knew your parents wouldn’t approve.  You said they ‘found out’.  Were you sneaking around behind their backs?  Another thing.  Sixteen is too old for a 13-year-old.  I suggest you and your parents sit down together and set up a list of rules for dating.  That would be the mature thing for you to do.  The more you are responsible and follow the rules they set down, the more they will give you space to make your own choices.